Let’s be honest. There are some great and not so great shows on television. Sometimes what makes a show great are the characters or the writing or even the scenery or location.
Let’s be more honest (honest-er!). There needs to be more great quality Catholic programming on the airwaves (or through the cable-jack).
I have a few ideas I’d like to float out there for you producer types. I really think I may be onto something here.
Coming to your local Catholic television lineup this fall!:
Two Parishes. Two Days. $1000. With the help of a professional church architect, two parish priests trade parishes and help renovate each others’ sacred spaces. Will they approve of the changes or will the bishop have to step in?! Find out this fall! Thursdays, 7 p.m.
Canon Law & Order
In the canon law system, the people of God are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the clergy, who investigate the offense; and the canon lawyers, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Tuesdays, 9 p.m.
Canon Law & Order: Sacred Vessels Unit
In the canon law system, sacred vessel based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Vatican City, the dedicated Swiss guards who investigate these vicious acts of sacrilege are members of an elite squad known as the Sacred Vessels Unit. These are their stories. Wednesdays, 8 p.m.
Canon Law & Order: Mortal Intent
In the Church’s war on sin, the worst sinners are pursued by the seasoned confessors of the Major Transgressor Squad and their hounds of heaven. These are their stories. Wednesdays, 9 p.m.
Aspiring parish hall chefs are put to the ultimate test in Heaven’s Kitchen, a reality show competition starring world renowned Catholic chef, Lawrence “Turn me over I’m done on this side” Griddle. Each chef dreams of fame and fortune and the coveted “Best Tasting Parish” award. Divided into two teams, contestants compete until there are only two chefs standing. The final, two-day, all-night vigil competition determines the ultimate winner of Heaven’s Kitchen. The winner then receives the opportunity to cook for the pope. Mondays, 9 p.m.
The Parish Office
A mockumentary on a group of typical parish office workers, where the workday consists of ego clashes, Knights of Columbus calendar conflicts, debates on who gets to dress the altar, and tedium. Starring Steve Carell as Msgr. Michael Scott and Rainn Wilson as “Assistant to the Pastor” Fr. Dwight Schrute. Thursdays, 8 p.m.
Church Hunters takes viewers behind the scenes of families recently relocated as they look for a church with the help of their spiritual advisor. Focusing on the preferences of the family as they search and locate a suitable parish, each episode follows the family and their spiritual advisor through the entire search process from start to finish. After looking at three different churches, the family must decide on where to attend based on aesthetics, performance of the liturgy, and location to residence. Saturdays, 7 p.m.
Survivor: Spirit of Vatican II
The rules are simple: Survive in a modern progressive parish as long as possible without going insane. Divided into teams, contestants compete and participate in challenges given by “parish host,” Sister Jean John Joan St. James Marie Le Fleur. Every week, the losing team must participate in a “modern” liturgy complete with puppets, dancers, clowns, and banners with someone being voted out by the Parish Council, usually due to lack of participation. After so many weeks, contestants move to competing for themselves with the final contestant winning a tie-dye chasuble and complete remission of all temporal effects due to their sins. The most challenging game in the contest is by far “Find the Tabernacle.” Wednesdays and Fridays, 10 p.m.
Who Wants to be a Papabile?
The best way to pass the time during a Sede vacante! Cardinals eligible to become pope gain the opportunity to answer 15 questions of increasing difficulty on subjects such as Church History, Moral Theology, Spirituality, Dogmatics, the Saints, Historical Theology, and Sports. Contestants also have 3 lifelines to assist them in answering questions. Those who reach either the last “bank” level or who reach the end of the questions are then prime candidates for pope — that is if the Holy Spirit agrees! Sundays, 8 p.m.
Pimp My Popemobile (“Bless My Ride” for the laity)
XPtoper and the good people at Tyrrhenian Coast Customs make the pope’s mobile go from dust to holy customized new creation in this 30 minute series. Claiming that the popemobile was double-parked and had to be towed, the pope had to wait until his schedule was open to pick up his ride. 1 episode, Thursday, 9 p.m.
*Lay show picks up where Pimp My Popemobile started. Thursdays, 9 p.m.
The Gregorian Voice
Sr. Cristina “Suor Cristina” Scuccia, Archbishop Georg Gänswein, Cardinal Robert Sarah, and Bishop Robert Barron choose their teams from the best Gregorian chanters the world can find. The teams are then coached by their respective judges as they continue to compete in elimination rounds and head to head chant-offs. Live public voting occurs after each show. Tune in on Mondays at 9 p.m. to see who can produce the newest Gregorian voice!
Staring Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk. Reruns of the eponymous show are Sunday evenings starting at 4 p.m. until 8 p.m.
Chapels, Churches, and Basilicas
Guido Fiyer-Yeti jumps into the pastor’s conversion van and rolls out to visit America’s favorite chapels, churches, and basilicas, interviewing the pastors, parochial vicars, and bishops/archbishops/cardinals of each establishment to sample the liturgy and parish life that each place offers. Fridays, 9 p.m.
The Amazing Grace
Join 10 teams of pilgrims as they race around the world visiting major and minor sites of pilgrimage. Bonding through their efforts, each team is also expected to perform either corporal and spiritual acts of mercy while en route to their destinations. But be wary of U-turns. Some teams may have to perform both corporal and spiritual acts of mercy in the same leg of the race! Those who do not reach the check-point before the last team to arrive at each destination may be eliminated. The ultimate winners will receive a private audience with the pope and limitless access to the sacrament of confession for the rest of their natural lives. Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7 p.m.
This series chronicles the missions of the Impossible Liturgy Force (ILF), a team of Church agents and liturgical specialists who are offered “impossible” liturgical missions (should they accept them) by the unseen, because he’s behind the confession screen, “Vicar Secretary.” Each episode opens with the team leader, a manila envelope detailing the focus and aim of the liturgical mission, and incense smoke. Main characters also include the Organist, Server Trainer, Vestment Specialist, Rubric Wizard, and Custodian. Mondays, 10 p.m.