Hilarious Catholic Jokes That Everyone Should Memorize


A sense of humor is a gift from God. Laughter unites us. Funny things help us get through the humdrum of life. Without humor this would be a lot harder.

Some jokes are better than others. These are the one every dad needs to have on hand.

Please, please, please add your own good, CLEAN, Catholic jokes in the comments section.


–How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.


–What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A “roamin'” Catholic.


–Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hits the back of his head. Jesus turns and exclaims, “Mom!”


–What do you call a priest in charge of the school play?

The spiritual director.


–A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”


A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”


–Man: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Man: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Man: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.


–Why did the priest giggle during his homily?

He had Mass hysteria!


–I was going to tell you about all the drama at the convent, but then remembered it’s nun of your business.


–What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?

A Critical Mass.


–A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”


And finally:

–Why don’t you fart in church?

Because you have to sit in your epic pew.


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