The Newly Ordained Parochial Vicar – EpicPew

The Newly Ordained Parochial Vicar

A newly ordained priest just became the parochial vicar at the parish where he grew up. The new priest was so nervous at his first Sunday Mass that he could hardly get through his first homily. During the week, the young priest went to the Pastor of the parish, an old Irish Monsignor, seeking advice on how he could get through his next Sunday homily. The Monsignor said, prior to Mass, take the bottle of Jameson out of the liquor cabinet in the rectory and have a few sips. After that, you should be relaxed and everything will work out.

When Sunday came around, the young parochial vicar put the suggestion to work. He knew that he had to do better than the first week since many friends who were not able to make his ordination were attending Mass. He did so much better than the first week, that actually, he talked up a storm and gave what he felt was a great homily.

After going to breakfast with his friends, he returned to the rectory, and found a short note from the Monsignor that said the following:

My dear young parochial vicar, although you did much better than last week, I have a few suggestions for you to improve your preaching.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 apostles, not 10.

David slew Goliath – he did not kick his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as “The Big T.”

The Holy Trinity is composed of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, not Big Papi, Junior, and the Spook.

Grace before meals is not “Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub. Yo God!” 

St. Paul was knocked off his horse, he didn’t fall on his ass.

Prior to his marriage Boaz was just single, he was not Ruth-less.

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and his 12 apostles are never referred to as J.C. and the Boys.

I saw the bottle of Jameson. Next time, a sip instead of a gulp. Let us not forget what the Catechism of the Catholic Church states when it comes to moderation in paragraph 1809 –

Temperance is the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable. The temperate person directs the sensitive appetites toward what is good and maintains a healthy discretion: “Do not follow your inclination and strength, walking according to the desires of your heart.” Temperance is often praised in the Old Testament: “Do not follow your base desires, but restrain your appetites.” In the New Testament it is called “moderation” or “sobriety.” We ought “to live sober, upright, and godly lives in this world.”

By the way, you owe me another bottle of Jameson.

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