While this could have been made into a full-fledge psychological quiz, I’ve boiled the questions down to only one: Where do you sit when you go to Mass? Do not say, “Wherever there’s space” because we both know that’s a full fledge lie. At our home parishes each of us has “our spot” – you know the one where if someone new sits there, you think to yourself, “excuse me, that’s my seat.” I want to know where you sit when you walk into an unfamiliar parish and have to make a sudden, instinctual decision. Where do you automatically plop down? Okay, keep that spot in mind and don’t change it!
1. Front row, baby!
Let’s be real, you’re only sitting here because you were late. No Catholic would ever willing sit here, which is why it’s known as the “Late Reserve.” There have also been brave, young families who have sat here so their children can see all the action while the rest of us are amused by the parents ceaseless attempts to derive perfect behavior from their young ones.
2. End of Pew
I know what you’re thinking: “oh, I just nonchalantly slide into the first spot which is typically the edge of the pew.” If this is you, I have some news: the Fire Marshall called and he’d like his spot back. Unless you have children or IBS, there is absolutely no reason to be sitting at the end of the Pew. I think a highlight in every mother’s life is when she has to wrangle her screaming baby out of the pew while also watching out for – and inevitably tripping on – your shoes. The only acceptable thing to do is scoot in, that way the families can easily slide in and out of the pew as necessary.
3. Middle of pew
Congratulations! You must be a grandmother! I’ve never met anyone else who so thoughtfully sits in the middle of the pew, except for my own mother-in-law who had four kids of her own and knows the struggle of climbing out of the so-called pew obstacle course. If you’re not a grandmother, you are someone who originally picked “end of pew” in their mind and then swiftly changed it upon reading my convincing argument from above. If that’s the case, I forgive you for your original poor decision making and welcome you to continue sitting in the middle of the pew, so poor moms like me don’t trip over you in wedges and lose a shoe!
4. The coveted back row
So you’re a cradle Catholic? How did I know! Every comfortable Catholic likes to park it in the pew closest to the door. I know you’re not planning on leaving early, but maybe you like the option, you little rebel you. Maybe the breeze from the door after Communion keeps you awake. Maybe this pew was passed down to you from the Catholic generations of yore. Maybe you should try to sit a little closer – you might like it! The only exception to this is young families who like to sit in the back and let the children run amok while pretending not to know them.
5. Standing room only
So you were late but not brave enough to strut up to the front row reserve? Come on, the aisle is your runway! This could have be your moment to grow in the virtue of courage! Honestly, if I were late and couldn’t find a seat, this would be me too. The only exception to this is if it is a Christmas or Easter Mass and you gave up your warm seat so good ol’ granny, five minutes late, could sit down. Bravo.
6. At the Altar
Oh you’re the musician! I kid, I kid.I had to throw this one in for all the Deacons, Priests, and Altar Servers out there, doing the hard work to make the Mass happen for us. Thank you!
7. Choir Loft
Just had to round out this post confirming to all that I do know where the musicians belong. Thank you to all the wonderful musicians who selflessly utilize their gifts to bring glory to the Lord.