What Everyone is REALLY Thinking in the Cry Room


When we go to Mass, everyone expects there to be tons of kids around making noise. Catholics are pretty good breeders, so it’s not uncommon to sit next to large families. For the most part, everyone is there to celebrate Mass. But, nobody is innocent of looking around and checking out the crowd. What some people don’t know is that the “cry room” can be a whole other world. A completely new set of thoughts and distractions will run through your head. In fact we all probably need to hit up confession when we walk out for judging our cry room neighbors. Here is what we are all really thinking…

“Hey dude, get up and let the pregnant lady sit there.”

We all see the pregnant lady walk in. We can all see that she doesn’t have a place to sit. Why does every guy stare at each other like they don’t notice? If I don’t notice right away, Abby will punch me, give up her own seat, then call out every man in there for not being quick to be a gentleman. Yeah, she really does that.

Your kids are way too old to be in the cry room.”

I don’t understand why people come in the cry room with their 7 year old. I would think 3 is old enough to sit still and not cause a scene in Mass. If they can’t, then teach them how.

“Closed captioning would be great because I can’t hear a damn thing the priest is saying.”

I have a hard enough time hearing to begin with. We have volume control in our cry room, but sometimes that is just not enough. Maybe we could install a TV with all the words on it. If the Protestants can do it for the music and everything else, why can’t we do it for at least the cry room?

“Why am I the only one singing?”

Maybe it’s just me, but everyone always seems too scared to sing or do anything else out loud in the cry room. I guess people are scared that everyone in there will realize they’re not Mariah Carey.

“I wish I had my own private skybox.”

Larger families should be rewarded with a private room or skybox. Am I right?

“If I am holding a baby, do I still have to kneel?”

Everyone wants to be reverent and all, but doesn’t
holding a crying baby excuse a person from having to make themselves even more uncomfortable? But you know, there is always that one show off that does it and makes everyone else feel bad. It’s usual the veteran mom with 7 kids and a bad knee.

“I wish it were okay to discipline somebody else’s kid.”

Just because it’s the cry room, does not mean it’s the “let your kid be loud and unruly room.” There are times when you just want to help a parent keep their kids in check.

“Why did you bring the world’s noisiest toy into the cry room?”

The cry room is not a good place to bring a wind up train toy with authentic whistle and track noises. I know we are all a little distracted, but still want to be able to hear something going on out there.

“Do I have to shake everyone’s hand when we share the peace?”

This is a big one for socially anxious people like myself. If there are only 5-10 people in the cry room, am I shaking everyone’s hand? If there are a lot of people, how many hands am I expected to shake? It’s enough to give you a heart attack. Nobody wants to get it wrong.

“Whose kid just pooped?”

George Costanza

Everyone knows they smell it, but nobody says anything. We all just sit there with our shirts over our noses hoping the right parent figures it out.


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