I don’t care what anyone says. Puns are great. We need more of them. Here are 52 Catholic puns and dad jokes. You’re welcome!
1. I don’t like incense jokes. They are just……THURIBLE!
2. Did that last joke leave you feeling……INCENSED?
3. Seriously, though, incense jokes ought to be……CENSERED!
4. How many religious sisters are male?……NUN of them!
5. Sr. Margaret and Sr. Mary were having a face-to-face conversation in St. Peter’s square. Sr. Margaret commented on how she had, at that moment, a lovely view of St. Peter’s Basilica. Just then, Sr. Mary saw the Pope walking towards them with his crozier in hand. Sr. Mary said, “Oh, but if you were to look where I’m looking, you would have an even more special view.” Sr. Margaret shook her head and said, “No, I can see the reflection of what you are seeing right now in your eyes, and trust me. The sight of the basilica is much better than a pope in the eye with a stick.”
6. What happens to a member of the Swiss Guard who, in the exercise of his duty to protect the Pope, find himself running in front of the Popemobile?……He gets TIRED!
7. What happens to a member of the Swiss Guard who, in the exercise of his duty to protect the Pope, find himself running behind the Popemobile?……He gets EXHAUSTED!
8. How do you make holy water?……Boil the hell out of it!
9. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?……A “roamin’” Catholic!
10. This classic pickup line
11. This EPIC meme
12. This silly meme
13. The religious order who decided to change the material of their clothing from solid gold to cotton found out that their old uniform was a hard HABIT to break!
14. A man is out for a drive one night, and a thunderstorm comes out of nowhere. After crawling along in the dark for a few minutes, the man decides to give up and find shelter. Off in the distance, he sees some lights, so he drives towards the lights. He arrives at the building and knocks on the door. Unbeknownst to him, it is a monastery. The porter answers the door, and the man explains his predicament and begs for shelter. The porter smiles and says, “Actually, hospitality is one of our charisms. Please, come in.” The man thanks the porter and enters. “Have you had supper?” asks the porter. “No, but don’t trouble yourself,” the man replies. “I just need a place to sleep tonight.” “We just finished eating,” the porter replies. “It would not be a great burden to re-heat some food for you.” So, the porter takes the man into the dining room where, in a couple of moments, he is served fish and chips, and it is the best fish and chips he has ever had. When he finishes eating, he asks to meet the brothers who cooked his meal. Two of the brothers enter the dining room from the kitchen. The man says, “Thank you so much. That was the best fish and chips I have ever had. I just want to know who did what.” One brother raises his hand and says, “Well, I’m the fish FRIAR.” The other brother says, “And, I’m the chip MONK.”
15. Mary arrived at the pearly gates and immediately said, “I ASSUME this is Heaven?”
16. A store in Beijing was advertising itself as the store “Where the Pope buys his plates.” The Pope sent a priest to the store to get them to change their slogan, but the store’s owners did not listen. Next, the pope sent a bishop to the store, but the bishop was also unable to convince the store’s owners to cease their advertising campaign. The pope then sent a cardinal to Beijing. When the cardinal returned unsuccessful, the Pope became enraged. He wrote a furious letter to the store’s owners. He handed the note to the cardinal and told him to find some cattle stick the letter on one of their horns and get it to charge into the store. The day after the cardinal carried out the Pope’s orders, the frontpage headline of L’Osservatore Romano read, “Papal Bull in a China Shop.”
17. Fr. Herman, the pastor of Our Lady of Lourdes Parish did not trust his newly-ordained associate, Fr. Michael. He found him a bit stupid and was worried about that Fr. Michael might commit some grave error during Mass. In the three months since the young priest had been assigned to his parish, Fr. Herman had not let him say a single Mass. One Sunday morning, the pastor found himself too ill to say Mass and reluctantly allowed Fr. Michael to say his first Mass. From his bed in the rectory, Fr. Herman tried his best to hear what was going on during the Mass. Much to his chagrin, he could only hear the congregation singing and was unable to hear if Fr. Michael was doing anything wrong. Eventually, he decided to give up and try to get some sleep, using the Sanctus as his lullaby. Just as the Sanctus was ending and he was about to fall asleep, Fr. Herman heard an explosion coming from the sanctuary. He sighed to himself saying, “Why didn’t I just tell him to use Eucharistic Prayer II? Why did I have to tell him to use the Roman Canon?”
18. One day, Jesus walked into a bank and asked to put something in the bank. The teller asked Him what He wanted to put in the bank, and Jesus replied, “A DEPOSIT OF FAITH!”
19. What do you call the lettering on an invitation to a baby’s first sacrament?……THE BAPTISMAL FONT!
20. What do you call a letter of their alphabet when it grows a beard and starts preaching lies?……A HAIRY C!
21. What do you call a deacon, a priest, and a bishop asking for food at a restaurant?……HOLY ORDERS!
22. What is the Pope’s favorite musical note?……HOLY C
23. What do you call an angel that seats you at a restaurant?……A HEAVENLY HOST!
24. Who suggested the use of potato chips instead of bread for communion?……You’d think it was some renegade priest who suggested it, but no, it was a LAY’S person!
25. An Eastern Orthodox priest was talking was discussing liturgical differences with a Catholic priest. At one point, he asked the Catholic priest, “What language does the Western Church use in its liturgies? It’s LATIN, RIGHT?”
26. A priest dies and finds himself at the pearly gates with St. Peter. St. Peter asked him how he died. “Well, I died during Mass actually,” the priest answered. St. Peter was flabbergasted. “During Mass? What happened?” he asked. The priest replied, “I’m not entirely sure, but I think one of my parishioners must have misunderstood me. He was asking for an aid to help him focus during the liturgy, and I told him to use a MISSAL.”
27. Sr. Mary Theresa was a fourth-grade teacher at St. Agnes’ School for Girls. One day, she was walking around the room as her students worked on their animal projects for science class. She found herself confused by little Susie’s work. “Susie,” she said, “You must be doing the wrong assignment. We’re not working on the alphabet right now.” Susie replied, “But, Sister, I think I am following your instructions. You’ll see that once I finish drawing on the habit.” “Habit?” exclaimed Sr. Mary Theresa. “Yes,” responded Susie, “Did you not tell us to draw a MONK E?”
28. What was it called the first time a mathematician found 1/csc(x)?……ORIGINAL SIN!
29. What is it called when a bishop eats half of a donut?……A PARTIAL INDULGENCE!
30. Where do cats after they die?…..They go to PURRRRGATORY!
31. What group do prospective converts join if they want to be the Pope’s spies?……R CIA!
32. What is it called when a Roman Catholic priest starts praying the Byzantine liturgy?……I don’t know, but it’s just not RITE!
33. What will happen if the Pope ever accidentally canonizes the wrong person?……I don’t know, but it does not really matter because SAINT gonna happen!
34. After the Second Coming, Jesus will make time cease to exist……That’s called TEMPORAL PUNISHMENT!
35. The Blessed Virgin Mary once appeared at the bedside of a dying man to bring him communion before he died and to personally escort him to Heaven. That event was called “The VIATICUM WITH ME!”
36. There was a Pope who held a meeting with his cardinals every 12th of the month for his entire papacy. He was very CONSISTORY!
37. When a Vatican committee has three dice and they only roll one, it is called a DICASTERY!
38. What is it called when weiner dogs pray a prayer to the trinity?……A DAUCHSOLOGY!
39. What is the term for when Protestants and Catholics agree to use the same spice?……eCUMINism!
40. What is Soulja Boy’s favorite thing about Catholicism?……The YOU-charist!
41. What do you call Bible verses that are spray painted onto walls?……EVANDALISM!
42. A priest once clearly told his former girlfriend she was not to come to any parish where he was saying Mass. It was EXcommunication!
43. What’s Jesus’ favorite sports movie?……Miracle
44. A Bishop was dividing his flock into groups. Most groups had 2 people in it. Some had one. Some had three. Each group was called a PAIR-ISH!
45. What did Fr. Romaine say at his first Mass?……”LETTUCE pray!”
46. For his birthday, a cardinal got a coupon for a free papacy. It was a GIFT PONTIFICATE!
47. A head of a Vatican congregation was also the defensive coordinator for the Vatican’s football team. When he was trying to protect a lead in the fourth quarter. He liked to have his defense play PREFECT defense.
48. Ed Sheeran wrote a song for the installation of a cardinal as the head of a Vatican congregation. The lyrics were, “Darling, you look PREFECT tonight.”
49. What is it called when the Pope runs out of sauce for his tacos?……SEDE PICANTE!
50. What kind Masses does Poseidon say?……A TRIDENT-ine Mass
51. How is a priest required to freshen his breath for Mass?……With a vestMINT.
52. What is it called when a priest is sick the night before Mass?……A vig-ILL!